Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
