You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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