I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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