I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
All I want is dick and wine.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
