trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
