I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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