I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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