dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
