You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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