How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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