If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
