It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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