4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
