What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
