if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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