genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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