Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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