Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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