Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
