my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Randomize
