I'm so fucking centered right now
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
