So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
