dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
