He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
