So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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