Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
