my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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