im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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