A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
