I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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