The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
