i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
