John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
