I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
