He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
