My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize