If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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