if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Someone signed my nipple.
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