No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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