you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
