Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
