I wish I could punch you in the face.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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