I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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