Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
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