This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I need to calm my uterus...
Randomize
