CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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