Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
