It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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