Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
