and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
