all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
