I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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