Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
