so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
