Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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