happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
